Family

We had family photos last weekend (or maybe the weekend before?) Well- we got the CD and I had to share. Pictures are funny things. Sometimes I look back and photos and laugh because I was dangling a lollipop in the backround to get my kids to smile, or before we went out Patrick and I got in a fight, or all I wanted to do was stay home and go to bed. When I look at photos on social media, there are times when I wonder what is real and what is fake. 

You see happy smiling couples and their kids. Incredible vacations to exotic places. Even on social media there is an element of keeping of with the Jone's. Look at my insanely cute kids. Look at how worldly I am. Look at how witty and smart and unique I am.

Look at how in love me and my husband are.

 I read a statistic that depression and time spent on social media are correlated. I am paraphrasing here- I think the stat was more involved than this- but I get it. We compare our real life to the highlight reel of facebook. Some moments are really true in the moment moments. And some are fake. Some people are living fake plastic lives covering up the facts.

  I suppose that's life. Sometimes there are seasons of incredible highs, and sometimes a feeling of doubts and confusion.

 I've been there for sure. Sometimes all in one day. One minute everything is fine, and then next I think I am about to lose my crap completely on the floor. And I consider myself a *relatively sane person. But motherhood is tough. Wifehood is tough too. Actually- being an adult is tough.

 I wish I had taken my mother's advice when she told me not to be in a hurry to grow up. Of course I was in a hurry!!! Aren't I always in a hurry? I have been in a hurry I'm pretty sure since the moment I was born. But why the rush?

 I decided I don't want to hurry through everything anymore. I have asked God to help change my heart. To slow down. To really enjoy things. To remember to make my children laugh more than make them cry.

 I am learning more about being patient with my kids, with my husband, with my life. (though admittedly the patient with the kids thing still needs some work. I mean- it should not take 4 minutes to clip the carseat clip in!) I am trying to enjoy my life for the season it is in currently and not rush to the next one for the sake of the hurry.

 I am trying not to compare myself to other people and where they are at in their journey. Because my journey is pretty incredible. And it's all mine.

 I am a work in progress. I probably always will be. But I am trying to love harder. Help better. Be more patient and accepting. Keep my heart open to what God has planned for me.

 Because through some of the worst times, have come many blessings.

So instead of asking myself why- I am starting to find the goodness in it all. Short sale on a house? Thank you God for the nudge to stay home with my kids. I have loved it. No- I have not loved every minute of it. I am real and kids are unpredictable and crazy even sometimes and sometimes make me crazy. But I love staying home with them more than I ever dreamed. 

 In fact- pretty much anything I said I would 'never' do- I have done. I have eaten more of my words in the past 4 1/2 years since I received the title "Mom" than I ever dreamed I would. I was so sure of myself.

 And now the only thing I am sure of is things will change all. the. time.

 But the greatest thing is that Jesus loves us through it all. Even when I feel like I don't deserve it. When I feel like I failed my family, when I said words to my husband I wish I hadn't. When I swore in front of my kids and then swore I wouldn't do that again and 5 minutes later another slipped out. Shit.

 Well yeah- I am a work in progress. I generally do wear my emotions on my sleeve. I have been known to answer a phone call with 'OH MY GOSH I AM IN THE WORST MOOD OF MY FREAKING ENTIRE LIFE AND MY KIDS ARE FREAKING DRIVING ME NUTS IN THE HEAD AND I AM STARVING AND---!' (there are probably a million other cuss words strewn within this sentance)

 So generally my smile isn't plastered on all fake like. Generally I am a pretty real person.

 But there have been seasons of down times and I do look back at photos and know my mood wasn't reflected the way my heart was feeling.

 That's why I think I love these photos so much. They were like 10000 percent real. I was in a great mood. We really had a blast with the photographer. I really loved my husband, like a lot a lot that day. (don't worry- I still do!) Bridget really was in a PO'ed mood but we got her cute smile to shine through during bits.

 And Nora ran the show. "Hang me upside down"

 Let's use these photo props.

 Oh everyone is looking at Bridget's grumpy bumpy face? I am going to turn ever so slightly to the camera and flash my smile. I'll pose, knock my parents on the grass and enjoy this moment. (I love this girl. Her heart is so magical. I learn so much from Nora.)

I really love my family. I love the family that I created and the family that I am a part of that continues to multiply. I love my best friendships that are more like sisterhoods than friends. I love the seasons and stages my kids and my life and my family and sisterhoods lives go through. I love that I am learning so much. I love that I can admit how wrong I was about everything. But I am trying to accept it rather than regret it- even enjoy it. Laugh at it. And take people's advice. And document the joy, the pain and the everything. Because all the moments matter. They make up this journey we are all on together. I am grateful for it all.