Halloween

Party time for Halloween! I do just love Halloween.

This week was filled with fun, despite my mood at times. I actually feel like by Thursday I turned a leaf a bit and am accepting everything. For me just keep on truckin is the best way for me to move forward. So that's what we did. Between pumpkin patches, Farm trips, library time, working, book club,class, my grad school project, gym and Halloween gymnastics open play- I sometimes wonder what it would be like if I was the type of mom who just stayed home and cleaned the bathroom. And then I have my answer- misery. So I stay busy and move and groove.

And one super duper fun thing we did this week was attend the Dickerson Halloween Party. I think when I grow up I want to be like Miss Amanada and make my corn bread from scratch and label my food and decorate with the best attention to detail imaginable. I'm so thankful she is my friend.

So this year since Nora is into princesses (did I say this on an earlier blog- can't remember) well she is Tiana and Bridgey is the frog (that I know I posted!) I tried getting some pics of the girls, but it wasn't working. Uncle Kerry was over and Bridget is FASCINATED with him. It's the cutest thing ever. She goes up to him with her arms outstretched and cries when he puts her down. She also did not want me to put her costume on, but once Kerry did, she was all about it. So cute.

Buddies. This was me trying to capture a photo. Nora was running, Bridget was pullig her hair clip out and refused to have Kerry put her down. Kids make me laugh.

Well at Miss Amandas house she had Halloween crafts and fantastic food, and of course the company was awesome. I love our little mommy group. It's so much fun seeing the kids play together, the guys make friends with each other and us ladies chattin it up. I forgot my camera, so these pics come courtesy of Laura's facebook post :) Thanks Laura!

All the sweet 'big' girls

Just missing Payton- capturing all childrens is hard work! We will try again on actual Halloween night.

See what I mean about the attention to detail?

Library Fun

On Wednesdays we have been going to library story time with Laura, Elle and Emily. This week Mandy and Cassidy were there too. It's so fun to see friendships with littles forming. Bridget said 'Emily' and Nora and Elle ran around after the story time, with Bridget chasing after. Oh to be 3 and 1 and carefree!

Times with Reina

Though last week was unexpectedly stressful, but it was SOOOOOOOOOOOOO good to have her here. Seriously, I am not sure how I would be doing without her here.

We were pretty much housebound for most of the week with everything going on, but we were able to take the kids to the KC Pumpkin Patch on Monday. We love it there! I love pumpkin patches- they rock. There is just something about orange pumpkins, barrels of hay, barrel trains and big slides on mounds of dirt to put you in a good mood.

Farm Times

With Winter rapidly approaching (there is like a 40 degree drop between yesterday and today in fact, ugh) our Deanna Rose days for the season are coming to an end. (tiny tear) it seriously is one of the best places to take the kids in Overland Park. We love it.

Amanda and I took Payton and Bridgey there Tuesday morning to enjoy the last week. We had a blast!
It' so cute to see the two of them interacting with each other.

Pointing and 'sharing' snacks- haha, my Bridgey snack hog...

Miss Amanda and Payton

Me and my Bridge!

Hay ride! The girls look thrilled!

Hey there

I love this pic of them!

So cute!

She figured out her head goes there!

Full shot


Until next year, Deanna Rose Farm!!!

My baby is growing up!

How did 17 months go by so fast?!?! Time does fly- especially after kids come into the picture. I have found the past few years to be some of the quickest in my life. Anyway- some Bridget facts:

- She is freaking hilarious. She makes us laugh everyday with her big personality.
- She is looooves her baby dolls, and baby was one of her first words.
- She loves her sister, and calls her 'Bean, Bean' When Nora is at preschool, she asks about her all day long.
- She loves to dance- mainly spin around in circles and then fall to the ground. She even attempts a somersault from time to time.
- She loves gymnastics!
- She loves to hold hands with friends, walk my mom's dogs, well she loves dogs in general, and feed our fish.
- She loves to climb the stairs, which is why we are completely gated in and why I decided to snap some pictures of her at the top of the staircase after her nap to remember how much she lovvveeed to climb them when she was this age.

So many more- but that's a little diddy. We love you Bridgey B!

Zumba

I went back to Zumba umba Zumba today as Nora calls it.

It felt weird being back. My body is all distorted and is jiggling in places it hasn't in a long time.

And at times I kept thinking, I am here again because of what happened.

So I wasn't whooping and hollering as I usually do during a fun zumba jam, I kind of just went through the motions.

But I know it will get better.

As my fav saying goes...

Preschool Open House

It was time for Nora to show off her preschool on Sunday to me and P. Every day she asks me if today she is going to the Panda room. The days she does she is SUUUUUPER excited. But then after school I try to talk to her about what she did and she may give me one small fact like, "I saw Miss Berry" (her teacher) or "I went to two rooms" (because the lunch bunch room is different than the Panda room) I'm all like- well I know this stuff, Nora, tell me something you did, what did you learn, who did you talk to, etc. etc. I'm that nosy, need-to-know-it-all, mom.

*sigh*

But- at open house, I was able to talk to other families and see her artwork hanging all over and see pictures of the things they are doing. I get the newsletter and all that jazz, but it's still fun to connect with the classroom and other families. P was getting ready to go on a 7-mile run, so was in full running gear with a shmear of something nasty on her shirt shoulder that we did not discover until we were walking to the classroom from the parking lot. EMBARRASSING! I barely wanted to be associated with him, and I think he felt a little weird too when he noticed all of the dressed up dads.

Anywho- a lot of the moms said their kids talked about Nora the most, which I felt jealous about since my info on the whole day is lacking. But hopefully that means its all good things and Nora is the nice girl in class. I just really want her to be the one who includes people, doesn't judge and is nice to everyone. I am trying to instill these principles- hopefully they will stick.

She was really funny at the open house and kept posing with her mouth open and putting her necklace in her mouth and stuff. I think she was overwhelmed with everyone being there at once or something.

These pics of the day make me laugh so hard:



Her teacher warned us she has 'drug eyes' in pictures



Halloween

I love, love Halloween- even more so with kids. Though I should wait until the official holiday to post complete outfit pics, I can't help but post my little nugget in her home made froggy costume.

Since Nora is super into princesses, she insisted on being one this year. She will be Tiana (princess and the frog) and Bridget is going to be.... The frog! Check it!

Life isn't all Sunshine and Roses

You know what I hate about Facebook? So many people just brag about how awesome they are, their lives are, their kids are, how cute their families are, the great vacations they go on and etc. I read once that people who check facebook the most can also be correlated with higher depression rates. I believe it.

The thing is about Facebook is, I get it. We want a place to show people how awesome we are. There is not must space or time to show true voice and to really, really get to know a person to write long paragraphs about feelings and life (so that's why blogs were invented) We want to be able to talk, and not everyone has time for a blog. When someone does post a random sad fact, we do stop and pause and reach out, but if it's sad all the time, then it turns to drama. Those who post a lot of drama are seen as strange, so everyone just sticks with bragging and maybe a random little diddy here and there regarding something sad, but mainly look at me, look at me.

Anyway- I say that because I am guilty of it, too. And I started this blog to document my life so I can remember it since I was starting to forget things. I wanted a way to stay in touch with my family and friends who are scattered all across this country. And I wanted to create an honest look at life, not just the bragging all the time on how fantastic everything is. Because that is a load of crap balls. Nobody has it super amazing 100%  of the time. Okay where am I going with this? I'm going here:

Yeah this is what it looks like. And I took three actually. All super positive.

If you are just finding out this way- don't feel slighted. Let me explain. Obviously, I named my blog "Totally Two-Bular' because we have two kids and we liked having two kids and we felt our family was complete. But then life threw us a curve ball and I got pregnant with #3. Now, my Grandparents read this blog, so let me keep this PG folks. Why is this a big surprise you ask yourself since I should know where babies come from, right? Well let's just say we were preventing any further pregnancies from happening, and obviously the methods failed. That is all I will say about that. Let me assure you it was a TRUE shock.

Anyway- I found out and my initial reaction was to freak out. I just started grad school!!! We don't own a house yet since the disastrous sale of our last one!!! Bridget was a tough baby and she just got a whole lot better!!! I want to go back to work in a couple years, what will this do to us financially!!! I had all these crazy questions. I cried. I was scared.

But after only about 2 hours after the shock, I calmed down and got excited.  I was still processing it all- it wasn't like I completely was not in shock still, but I thought about things like I always said I like the dynamics of three. I liked big families. I came from a family of just 2 kids, this would be different. We could get some bunk beds, put the girls together and buy a mini van. We could forgo vacations to tropical locations to camping trips (ah-hem...in a rustic cabin or an RV not a tent, people) and we could be a super happy family of 5. I had looked at photos of my two kids together and thought to myself, is something missing? I was thinking that God was fulfilling an unanswered prayer that maybe deep down I did want to be fulfilled and the universe was gifting this to me.

So I found a doctor, and she wanted to see me at 6-8 weeks, so I made my appointment for about 6.5 and waited to go. I will shorten this up a bit, or it will get to long. But anyway- I went to the first appt. and the doc was concerned that I was earlier than I thought or the heartbeat was slower. She wasn't sure which one. I was waiting to tell all my close friends and family the crazy news until after this first appointment. But then the first appointment was not a super positive one, so I waited. And she wanted to see me the following week.

So I went the following week, the day before I left for my girls weekend. And the heartbeat was 90 beats a minute and should be 120 at this point. But she still was unsure if maybe I was just earlier. But she said something that resonated with me- something like, "i am not ready to make a call yet, so let's see you next week again." What the F does that mean! I was angry, I was sad, I was nervous, I was an anxious mess. I had been since the first appointment. No- I had been since I found out, really. I mean. my life was changing and I knew I could handle it, but was trying to figure out how. I was having a lot of sleepless, restless nights. I was excited, but I was still trying to come up with a plan. Because that's what I do, I figure things out and I plan and this time it happened a bit opposite, so I was trying to form an after the fact plan.

The girls trip was a welcome distraction, and I needed my friends at this time anyway.

I didn't sleep well at all this next week. Every little thing I felt, or didn't feel made me nervous. I wasn't feeling super sick like my other pregnancies that went well, so I was anxious about that. I had been feeling a little more 'Pregnant' that week, though was also feeling strange too, so I didn't know what to think.

I went to the doctor Thursday morning.  She took out the ultra sound thing. She couldn't find a heartbeat. I didn't see one either, and I had in the past. They took me to another larger ultrasound room, and the diagnosis was made for real. There was no heartbeat. I wasn't bleeding, but the doctor said that sometimes that happens. I had a choice to wait to have a miscarriage, which could take weeks, or have a D&C the next morning. I opted for choice B. I had a miscarriage before Nora. It was not fun. It started slowly and ended bigly and painfully, and we had to move our Hawaii trip back a day.

I had a meeting scheduled at noon with my client that I had to cancel. I made phone calls numbly. I didn't know what to think. My friends Amanda and Liz came over later that day with flowers and food, which was so sweet. Mich sent me a cookie bouquet. My mom drove in from Denver a couple days earlier because that woman has a 6th sense about things (I swear, I have stories about this) She told me then that after my appointment last week, she had a bad feeling, so she came.

I was processing this, and accepting this. I am having a miscarriage. Again. This is my second one. I have had four pregnancies now, and two resulted in babies. Two have ended like this. Though I was still nervous, I was deep down super excited about a third. A bonus baby. How cool is that?

And then later that night, I just broke down. I cried for over an hour to Patrick. He held me and I cried. Why was God doing this? What does this mean? What lesson do I take from this? What is the reason? What do I want? What is most important? We were gifted this, and now it was being taken away!

The next morning I went in at 6am. They prepped me, put me to sleep, and it was over. I feel empty, and weird. I laid in bed and had soup and my mom and husband took care of things, and I sat in bed on Friday processing it all.

The difference between this time around and the first, is that I have two healthy, beautiful girls now. The first time I had questions like, will I ever be able to have kids? Will a pregnancy ever stick? Then my prayers were answered, and I had Nora. And she is so amazing, and if I didn't lose the first baby, then I would never have had my Nora, because it would not be possible to be pregnant with two kids at two separate times in the gestation span.

But this time, I saw the baby. I saw a heartbeat. Last time I never saw an ultrasound to know if there ever was a heartbeat or not. This time I prayed for the heartbeat to get stronger. I prayed for God to do what was best. I prayed for strength to accept whatever would happen. And He did. He decided this baby needed to go to heaven earlier than I hoped. And I need to accept that and know He had a plan through all this, and I need to understand what that plan is. Or do my best to at least.

And this time I felt guilty for ever being anything less than super excited and grateful for the gift.

This last month has been a whirl wind. I don't even know what to think. I trucked forward, I completed two projects for Grad School, I took care of kids, I did everything I needed to do. I kind of hid out a bit, though too. I wore baggy clothes because I was seriously showing. A third really makes you pop almost instantly. I stopped going to Zumba and hid out because I wasn't really 'Zumbaing' like I had in the past, plus I now had a mysterious, obvious bump and did not want to explain it just yet, mainly for this reason.

And now I have to move forward. Like everyone does when something crazy and tragic happens. I have to make peace with the situation and go on. And I need to decide what this all means. What this will do to my future. Right now, I am not sure.

But that's the whole story. It's why I dropped off the planet for a bit. The story of it all exhausted me. Trying to keep everyone updated exhausted me. Plus I was truly exhausted, probs because I was pregnant. And now I haven't been able to sleep well again, but this time because I am sad, and processing it. I wanted to blog about this too not only to be honest and show the realness of life, but because it may be good healing. And so maybe you can see my real feelings about it all without me having to tell the whole story a million times.

So again, if you are just finding out about this, I do apologize. It really has been a whirl wind of emotions, and I have been busy trying to finish projects, work, and process life.

And the journey continues....

Girls Weekend

I mentioned in an earlier post that I have amazing friends. Two of my bestest friends are Kate and Molly (Mich and Mold) I met them in junior high, and we have been friends since. I mean, we had our high school girl moments during the weird ages of adolescence, but we laugh about it now.

I am super lucky to have these two ladies in my life, yes blessed even (here is the word again) but it's used appropriately here and is so true. Though we have busy lives full of kids, jobs, husbands, family, and we live in three opposite parts of the country now (Molly-Baltimore, Kate- Arizona, Me- Kansas City) we decided last year when I moved from our 'home base' of Chicago that we would do a trip once a year to one of our locations (or perhaps a 3rd party destination in the future) to have a weekend of girlie fun. I was lucky to see each of them when they would come to visit their families when I lived in Chicago. So last year they came here, and this year we went to Kate's house. It ended up being perfect timing for all of us, too. And we planned it this past summer before lots of other things popped up in our lives. It's funny how some things just work out.

The theme of the weekend was friendship, celebration and bacon. Yes, folks, our vegetarian friend, Molly, has fallen a bit off the wagon into what she calls the 'gateway meat.' Each day she enthusiastically ate some. And I don't mean a little corner from the top, I am talking full on, whole pieces (yeah I even italicized)

A weekend recap: 

Every girls trip needs to start with pedicures, right?

Dinner out- Molly ate meat here too :) I love it, I really love it.

We had this fun fondue desert where I asked for extra marshmallows because our fondue originally came out cold. So Molly and I are re-enacting eating some.

A mysterious diet coke was delivered to our table, refilled even. But we didn't order it, but still got charged...oh well. We had to get a picture because it was funny.

We did something AWESOME here, but it's a secret. Let me just tell you that Mich and I could not be prouder of our awesome, amazing, you know you have the best ever blah blah on the planet. Anyway- you will find out soon what we did. We were up for hours working on it.

Saturday we went shopping since I love to go to malls!

And then we put on our artist hat later Saturday night and painted our own picture. Mich had a well planned itinerary for us, which included this fun and unique adventure. Everyone in the class paints the same picture, but we chose some different colors than they showed to make ours go better with our houses. This was so fun, and I want to try it again!

I love this picture because it is so hilarious. I just love the turn around and take your own picture option on the iPhone.

Painting! We all agreed Molly mixed the perfect periwinkle, blue color.

This is my photo. It is starting to come together.

Ooooh vases.

VOILA!!!!!!!!

Molly, Mich, Carrie (Kate's SIL- cool as hell) and me. All of us artists! (and I say the word "artist" like 'Are-teest') but of course.

The next morning was go home day for us, and we started the day off with more bacon.

See?

A series of awesome.

I tried to get a picture of a big rock Arizona thing to prove we were in Arizona.

My flight was later on Sunday, so Mich and I went to Michael's so I could learn her how to make a wreath. (Um- FYI-I wrote that on purpose just to clarify that I would not know the proper use of the word.)

A ribbon wreath, too!

Clearly I was an awesome teacher because this is what I did when wreath making was going on.