Sunday, October 21, 2012

Life isn't all Sunshine and Roses

You know what I hate about Facebook? So many people just brag about how awesome they are, their lives are, their kids are, how cute their families are, the great vacations they go on and etc. I read once that people who check facebook the most can also be correlated with higher depression rates. I believe it.

The thing is about Facebook is, I get it. We want a place to show people how awesome we are. There is not must space or time to show true voice and to really, really get to know a person to write long paragraphs about feelings and life (so that's why blogs were invented) We want to be able to talk, and not everyone has time for a blog. When someone does post a random sad fact, we do stop and pause and reach out, but if it's sad all the time, then it turns to drama. Those who post a lot of drama are seen as strange, so everyone just sticks with bragging and maybe a random little diddy here and there regarding something sad, but mainly look at me, look at me.

Anyway- I say that because I am guilty of it, too. And I started this blog to document my life so I can remember it since I was starting to forget things. I wanted a way to stay in touch with my family and friends who are scattered all across this country. And I wanted to create an honest look at life, not just the bragging all the time on how fantastic everything is. Because that is a load of crap balls. Nobody has it super amazing 100%  of the time. Okay where am I going with this? I'm going here:

Yeah this is what it looks like. And I took three actually. All super positive.



If you are just finding out this way- don't feel slighted. Let me explain. Obviously, I named my blog "Totally Two-Bular' because we have two kids and we liked having two kids and we felt our family was complete. But then life threw us a curve ball and I got pregnant with #3. Now, my Grandparents read this blog, so let me keep this PG folks. Why is this a big surprise you ask yourself since I should know where babies come from, right? Well let's just say we were preventing any further pregnancies from happening, and obviously the methods failed. That is all I will say about that. Let me assure you it was a TRUE shock.

Anyway- I found out and my initial reaction was to freak out. I just started grad school!!! We don't own a house yet since the disastrous sale of our last one!!! Bridget was a tough baby and she just got a whole lot better!!! I want to go back to work in a couple years, what will this do to us financially!!! I had all these crazy questions. I cried. I was scared.

But after only about 2 hours after the shock, I calmed down and got excited.  I was still processing it all- it wasn't like I completely was not in shock still, but I thought about things like I always said I like the dynamics of three. I liked big families. I came from a family of just 2 kids, this would be different. We could get some bunk beds, put the girls together and buy a mini van. We could forgo vacations to tropical locations to camping trips (ah-hem...in a rustic cabin or an RV not a tent, people) and we could be a super happy family of 5. I had looked at photos of my two kids together and thought to myself, is something missing? I was thinking that God was fulfilling an unanswered prayer that maybe deep down I did want to be fulfilled and the universe was gifting this to me.

So I found a doctor, and she wanted to see me at 6-8 weeks, so I made my appointment for about 6.5 and waited to go. I will shorten this up a bit, or it will get to long. But anyway- I went to the first appt. and the doc was concerned that I was earlier than I thought or the heartbeat was slower. She wasn't sure which one. I was waiting to tell all my close friends and family the crazy news until after this first appointment. But then the first appointment was not a super positive one, so I waited. And she wanted to see me the following week.

So I went the following week, the day before I left for my girls weekend. And the heartbeat was 90 beats a minute and should be 120 at this point. But she still was unsure if maybe I was just earlier. But she said something that resonated with me- something like, "i am not ready to make a call yet, so let's see you next week again." What the F does that mean! I was angry, I was sad, I was nervous, I was an anxious mess. I had been since the first appointment. No- I had been since I found out, really. I mean. my life was changing and I knew I could handle it, but was trying to figure out how. I was having a lot of sleepless, restless nights. I was excited, but I was still trying to come up with a plan. Because that's what I do, I figure things out and I plan and this time it happened a bit opposite, so I was trying to form an after the fact plan.

The girls trip was a welcome distraction, and I needed my friends at this time anyway.

I didn't sleep well at all this next week. Every little thing I felt, or didn't feel made me nervous. I wasn't feeling super sick like my other pregnancies that went well, so I was anxious about that. I had been feeling a little more 'Pregnant' that week, though was also feeling strange too, so I didn't know what to think.

I went to the doctor Thursday morning.  She took out the ultra sound thing. She couldn't find a heartbeat. I didn't see one either, and I had in the past. They took me to another larger ultrasound room, and the diagnosis was made for real. There was no heartbeat. I wasn't bleeding, but the doctor said that sometimes that happens. I had a choice to wait to have a miscarriage, which could take weeks, or have a D&C the next morning. I opted for choice B. I had a miscarriage before Nora. It was not fun. It started slowly and ended bigly and painfully, and we had to move our Hawaii trip back a day.

I had a meeting scheduled at noon with my client that I had to cancel. I made phone calls numbly. I didn't know what to think. My friends Amanda and Liz came over later that day with flowers and food, which was so sweet. Mich sent me a cookie bouquet. My mom drove in from Denver a couple days earlier because that woman has a 6th sense about things (I swear, I have stories about this) She told me then that after my appointment last week, she had a bad feeling, so she came.

I was processing this, and accepting this. I am having a miscarriage. Again. This is my second one. I have had four pregnancies now, and two resulted in babies. Two have ended like this. Though I was still nervous, I was deep down super excited about a third. A bonus baby. How cool is that?

And then later that night, I just broke down. I cried for over an hour to Patrick. He held me and I cried. Why was God doing this? What does this mean? What lesson do I take from this? What is the reason? What do I want? What is most important? We were gifted this, and now it was being taken away!

The next morning I went in at 6am. They prepped me, put me to sleep, and it was over. I feel empty, and weird. I laid in bed and had soup and my mom and husband took care of things, and I sat in bed on Friday processing it all.

The difference between this time around and the first, is that I have two healthy, beautiful girls now. The first time I had questions like, will I ever be able to have kids? Will a pregnancy ever stick? Then my prayers were answered, and I had Nora. And she is so amazing, and if I didn't lose the first baby, then I would never have had my Nora, because it would not be possible to be pregnant with two kids at two separate times in the gestation span.

But this time, I saw the baby. I saw a heartbeat. Last time I never saw an ultrasound to know if there ever was a heartbeat or not. This time I prayed for the heartbeat to get stronger. I prayed for God to do what was best. I prayed for strength to accept whatever would happen. And He did. He decided this baby needed to go to heaven earlier than I hoped. And I need to accept that and know He had a plan through all this, and I need to understand what that plan is. Or do my best to at least.

And this time I felt guilty for ever being anything less than super excited and grateful for the gift.

This last month has been a whirl wind. I don't even know what to think. I trucked forward, I completed two projects for Grad School, I took care of kids, I did everything I needed to do. I kind of hid out a bit, though too. I wore baggy clothes because I was seriously showing. A third really makes you pop almost instantly. I stopped going to Zumba and hid out because I wasn't really 'Zumbaing' like I had in the past, plus I now had a mysterious, obvious bump and did not want to explain it just yet, mainly for this reason.

And now I have to move forward. Like everyone does when something crazy and tragic happens. I have to make peace with the situation and go on. And I need to decide what this all means. What this will do to my future. Right now, I am not sure.

But that's the whole story. It's why I dropped off the planet for a bit. The story of it all exhausted me. Trying to keep everyone updated exhausted me. Plus I was truly exhausted, probs because I was pregnant. And now I haven't been able to sleep well again, but this time because I am sad, and processing it. I wanted to blog about this too not only to be honest and show the realness of life, but because it may be good healing. And so maybe you can see my real feelings about it all without me having to tell the whole story a million times.

So again, if you are just finding out about this, I do apologize. It really has been a whirl wind of emotions, and I have been busy trying to finish projects, work, and process life.

And the journey continues....


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